I was taught not to trust women very very early on.
Both my mother and her mother have made sure that I learned that every single girlfriend will abandon me as soon as she finds a man.
This mistrust runs in my blood. And it's as old as time.
And yet... in my heart I rebelled against this tough lesson and I did not want to accept it. I loved my female friends with love often deeper than I loved my male partners. But the moment I started feeling unsafe with them, I would become unsafe to them. The deeply ingrained mistrust and a need for protection from hurt and abandonment would kick in, and I would lash out, withhold love and abandon the relationship altogether.
Then there's the competition, the jealousy, the deep wound of not having been seen and appreciated by our parents, that plays out in the game of "not good enough"/"better than you" dramas. Then there's the scarcity we were brought up with and deep conviction that lives in our cells that there's simply not enough love, and if I don't snatch this man for myself, I will surely end up old and alone. Then there's "I've sacrificed and given enough, now it's my turn to take, and I'm done with care-taking of other's needs. Time for my heart to get what it wants and needs. And the time is NOW."
I often wonder: what would the world look like, if we put our sisters first, before our men? Is that even possible? Or does putting them before our men, mean putting them before our own desire and pleasure? Why would I delay my own gratification for another woman I don't even know? Why would I trust her more than I trust this man I want? And why on earth would I deny myself the pleasure he wants to give me, for her sake?
How can I care for my sister's heart, and not compromise my own?
I'm sitting with these questions tonight, and have been many many nights before.. There is sadness in my heart and my body is weary.. I have been on both sides of this frontline. I have been the other woman, and I have been the one left behind. I wonder.. what will it take to stop the war between us, sisters? What will it take to start healing the Sister Wound? We can't go back, we can't get the love we needed from our parents and first lovers. We're here now.. what will it take? To put our weapons down.. To take the armour off.. To admit we're scared of losing love.. To admit we're starved for love? To admit that we want nothing more than to rest our weary hearts within the safe embrace of our sisters. That we want to be seen, considered, that we want to matter...
We're steeped in a cultural mistrust towards the Feminine. We continuously abuse this aspect of ourselves, we don't take it seriously, we abandon it, make it less than. And yet it is Her who brings us the nourishment and fulfilment we long for so badly. The Love that we're starved of. Yet we deny Her and keep running after/with the Distorted Masculine like hungry ghosts.. Making him responsible for bringing us fulfilment. Trusting Him more than we trust Her. It's ok.. this runs in our blood. But it is time to wake up and realize that as long as I mistrust Her, I mistrust myself.
How do I learn to trust myself as a Woman?
[this piece of writing has been inspired by this post on facebook]