I posted a story about this video on IG last night where I was making fun of how "dramatic" this song and the video are. As I laid in bed something felt really off.. I realized how habitually I use self-deprecating humor when I feel insecure or scared.. I try to seem so cool and detached when I share my creations but the truth is... I'm simply scared because it's one of the most vulnerable things I can do.. pour my heart and soul into something and then lay it out there, for the whole world to judge the heck out of it.. I always try to tell myself that I shouldn't care if anyone likes it or not because, you know.... "we create art because we must, not because we seek approval".. but I do care. I care if my heart on the display touches yours..
As for approval-seeking and external validation.. one of the symptoms of my BPD is unstable sense of self and high sensitivity to criticism, so yes.. probably the opinions of others affect me a bit more than the "avarage" person. But I wouldn't want that to stop me from creating and sharing. I just need to work a bit harder on regulating my nervous system when I do ;) On the one hand, It's so easy to get lost in the dopamine high from the likes. And it's just as easy to drown in self-loathing when reactions are sparse. So... breeaaatheeee....
The bottom line is, I don't want to pretend that I don't care or that I feel less than I actually do... I feel A LOT. The good, the bad, and the ugly.. All of it.. And I no longer want to make fun of it. I still want to be able to joke about myself because I think it's good to have some distance but I no longer want to deflect from what I'm actually feeling.. So when I call myself "dramatic" in a self-deprecating tone, what I'm trying to do, is to desperately safeguard the connection by communicating: "I judge myself harshly as "too much", and I'm scared that you will feel the same, and that it will make you feel uncomfortable and that you won't love me because of it. So I'm just gonna call it, and maybe then, if you know that I know, and that I'm not completely ignorant, maybe then we can stay connected." I forget, that I could say just that...
As for being "dramatic"? Gosh.. this word has such a bad rap, especially in "spiritual" circles.. "I don't do drama!". But here's the thing. I love theater, I love drama, I love entertainment - it truly is what gives life that extra punch, isn't it (especially in pandemic lockdowns)? I think "drama" has such a bad connotation because:
1. It makes you feel shit ;) And I know how hard it is to feel the stuff we don't want to feel: the heartbreak, the jealousy, the rage, the grief.. Yep.. Art will make you feel these things and then some! Also, someone you scoff as "dramatic" is very possibly playing out some of your shadows you don't really wanna look at.
2. It is often thought of as "inauthentic" because it can be so over the top. I think what people sometimes don't get is that when someone is being perceived as "dramatic" they are actually expressing the intensity of emotions that they are truly feeling. It could be that they've learned to "dramatize=hyperbolize" their emotions to actually be noticed by their caretakers. I however, often feel like I need to dim down my expression, keep that lid on the stormy weather rampaging inside me. And then art, actually and far from "faking" or "pretending", becomes the most authentic expression of my heart.
So! There you have it! A song AND a lecture ;)
[did you see what I just did there? ;)]