I was not built for full-time parenting.

It’s the end of the vacation time with my son, and it’s been over 3 weeks of us being together without a break. This summer, we were in different places, and we are now in our fourth location. It’s almost time to say goodbye, and I’m dropping him off at this beautiful spot in the mountains, where he’ll stay with his dad for the next few weeks. I’m slowly starting to take more time for myself, as he is enjoying the company of other kids and family members, soaking in being part of a bigger village.

For the first time in three weeks, I can be completely alone - not only without him, but without any other people, in nature, and I’m actually starting to feel myself again. For the first time in weeks. And as I’m in this space, I’m realizing something very simple:

I was not built for full-time parenting. It might sound controversial, maybe a bit less so in these times than it would have, say, ten years ago, because more and more parents are speaking out. But I was not built for full-time parenting. And honestly, I don’t think anyone was/is. I don’t think parenting was meant to be a full-time job for any single individual. It has always been, and was always meant to be, a community effort (did you hear that the nuclear family model is a complete sham?)

I’m very grateful to myself today that when the relationship with my son’s father broke down and my whole life was shattered into pieces, I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say, that I went to hell and back in order to sustain the co-parenting relationship. Of course, I did it for my son first and foremost. But I also did it for myself. Exactly for this reason. Exactly because I do not believe we are meant to parent alone.

And even though my setup means I don’t share daily responsibilities with another grown-up, I still get the privilege of having time completely away from my son. Usually it’s a few days, but during the summer vacation, I get the whole three weeks, which is quite something. It only happens once a year. And if you don’t have children, I suppose it might be hard to grasp what that’s like: to get only three weeks a year of complete freedom. Of being alone. Of being completely on my own schedule, and managing solely my own needs.

And this year, it’s new in another way too: I’m also single. So my time away from my son isn’t connected in any way to being with another person. I’m not following a relational journey or navigating togetherness. I’m not adjusting to another adult's needs and desires. And I’m not going to lie: I’m really looking forward to this time. And I plan to relish and savor every moment of it.

It’s an interesting tension point, isn’t it? For so many of us, I think, those of us who struggle with the juxtaposition of a deep, deep longing for connection, togetherness, and intimacy... while at the same time deeply needing and craving freedom and solitude. Not sure if anyone has found a way how to truly reconcile these with one another... if you know them, give me their number ;)

PS. After writing this text and saying goodbye to my son, I sobbed for an hour, completely floored by the pain of separation - such is life of a co-parenting mom ;)